Kids TV

2009.08.23

I know a few parents who are strict with their children’s TV viewing habits, even a few who’ve blocked it out all together. It’s a big concern for new parents – at what point is my kid watching too much TV? Is it gonna make them a couch potato, slow their mental development, make them want to go to Disney World, etc.?

Of course, I write this as my own 1 year old is planted in front of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. That’s the immediate benefit for parents – it’s a distractor. They want to watch, you want to fix coffee and breakfast. Win win, right?

Deal is, there’s a ton of programming out there, from the moment they’re out of the womb all the way up through their segway to college. Specifically children’s programming has exploded over the last several years. It used to be a handful of public television shows that we relied on – Sesame Street probably the king of them all. Every kid growing up in the last 20 years should know Sesame Street well, and with good reason. It was creative, and it worked.

That’s the surprising part – it was fiercely researched and scientifically engineered to have to biggest impact on the youth audience. Reading Malcom Gladwell’s book The Tipping Point, he explains the painstaking research that went into making the show what it was. Sesame Street is probably the most researched show of all time, because it broke all conventional wisdom about kids and tv. It proved children can learn from a television show, and that everything about a show’s effectiveness centered on how much a child could grasp. That’s where the puppets came in. They made adult concepts relatable to young children.

These days, the new cadre of shows has come in such large numbers that one can only imagine how few get the Sesame Street detailed approach. A great example of that in my mind is the Baby Einsteins series. It was targeted at new moms who thought it’d give their babies a leg up on vocabulary, early concepts and new languages. If you never saw a Baby Einsteins video, it’s pretty much a montage of 30 second clips that show various colorful demonstrations with narrations in different languages doing a voice over for each. After about 15 minutes, it cuts to about 25 more minutes of advertising for the rest of the Baby Einsteins series.

I’m not going to say it’s total garbage, but there’s no proof it adds anything to early child development (article). You can tell by the way they’re marketed, and the premise they’re built on: any arrangement of distracting pictures set to Beethoven will make your kid smart.

Clearly, there’s no substitute for one-on-one interaction with a child, but at the same time, not all TV shows are a complete hindrance to a child’s development. Of course there’s also the factor of parental tolerance: I will not sit through Dora the Explorer. It could teach kids Calculus, I’m avoiding that show like the plague. Her insipid voice just grates my nerves.

There’s a ton of children’s TV shows out there. I’d say there’s nothing wrong with a little TV, as long as it’s in moderation and you’re selective about the materials.

It's… an embryo!!

2006.04.19

Forget everything you ever knew about me. And, if you didn’t know me before (or rather, if you had somehow actually known me once long before), get to know the new “me”.

George Kovats: drawer of things, friend to the porcupines, drinker of beer, healer of the leppers,… father.

Yes, my wife Anna has produced a child; or, she is “with child”. And so, the Jakubowski / Kovats empire grows, bringing honey liquor and dry wit to all in it’s path.

I know, this is somewhat anti-climactic in light of the starring triumphs of Katie Holmes and Brooke Shields: two crazy
hollywood primadonna martyrs willing to sacrifice an eventual tummy-tuck for 9 months of Enquirer coverage. Still, it’s a joyous occasion for the whole family. But before rejoice can echo throughout, I have to first state the conditions and plans my son(s) and/or daughter(s) must follow through to earn the name Kovats, and all the non-expired Jiffy Lube coupons that entitles them to.

  1. They must find me extremely funny.
    This will be easy at first. I’m sure a dangling key chain will suffice for a couple of years, but once they can grasp complex shapes, I’ll need their full appreciation of my complex and obscure humor. If they don’t get my Oscar Wilde quips and references to Henry VIII, we’ll have issues.
  2. They must be a “man’s man”, or conversely, a “woman’s woman”
    Nothing queer or quasi-normal here – just everything the Good Lord and Jerry Fallwell intended. And no metrosexuals either. You survive like your father: on one bar of Lava soap. Nothing fruify for my children like moisturizer, exfoliating cream, hair spray, deoderant, feminine products or toilet paper.
  3. Mandatory Military Service
    My children will earn their citizenship! Through grueling, boring, and highly anecdote-worthy service to our Uncle Sam. And, not to be totally unfair, if my children are fiercely against becoming a part of our Armed Forces and captivated with the civilian lifestyle, they can join the Air Force. Either way, it will be at least 4 years of their life they can talk about in bars for endless years to come.
  4. They will not become a podiatrist. Period.
    I had a neighbor one time – the man collected pictures of hands cut out from magazines. He was a former podiatrist… or a magazine editor. I could never remember. Either way, it was friggin’ creepy, so no Podiatrists in the family.Magazine editors are negotiable.
  5. I will put the “fear of God” in them
    My father enjoyed making us scared witless when we interupted “Wheel of Fortune” during recliner time. So, in keeping with tradition, I’ve been mentally practicing the “fear of God” technique for years now. The minute my children begin to emulate a TV child star or listen to Clay Aiken, that’s when the yelling begins. It’s a lot like how you’re told to scare off black bears in the forest – stand really tall with your arms waving above your head and yell gutteral sounds. It’ll will send my children into a panicky frenzy, make them realize the error of their ways, and potentially show them how to act in a mosh pit.
  6. No Barney
    I know, more 3 year olds these days are watching The Family Guy than Barney, but that smug purple bastard is still waiting to be knocked down a peg if you ask me.
  7. No Family Guy either
    I’ve Tivo’ed almost every episode that has aired, and I gotta tell ya, they’re not missing much. Plus, I don’t think babies with british thespian accents are cute or funny, and I’ll have none of that crap in my house. At leat not anymore, now that I’ve seen every episode.

I know – I’m a fan of lists, so I’ll cut it short here. I’m thrilled about the prospect of having a baby, but like all life events, I’m going to downplay it out of respect for those who have braved these events before me.

I will say I have a lot of pent up parental hostility from watching Sally Jessie Rapheal reruns and whiny WB teen shows, and I vow to raise a grounded, respectful child that understands this world doesn’t owe them jack. I marvel at parents that let their children strut around without any sense of consequences or unforgiving reality. Of course, I jest above – my son or daughter can be a gay podiatrist that doesn’t understand my humor – but this part is real. The second goal of every parent, next to providing all life-giving necessities, is to prepare their children for the real world. And, in the real world, you don’t get toys and gifts for bad behavior.

So, to my future offspring, you’ve been warned. If you so much as smell a whippit or start considering Scientology as a viable lifestyle, be prepared for flailing arms and boisterous howling. It was good enough for me, and it’ll be good enough for you.

'Tis the season to go spending!

2005.12.20

XMas 2k5 in the hizzy!!!Oh yes, it’s yet another year come and gone. You could tell it was coming back around Halloween-time when Christmas decorations were taking the place of what should have been batman costumes in Walmarts across America. Yes, the cynic in me (which has been a bit overbearing as of late) can see department stores have got us consumers nice and primed this season for a shopping frenzy! Oh, that well is `a primed and ready!

So primed in fact that Santa Claus was named the #1 richest fictional characters by Forbes Magazine. His net worth – “infinite”. Sure, Forbes gives a quaint little bio for the jolly patron saint of seasonal sales, but his infinite worth’s probably… on the money. (Oooh, a haphazard pun!!)

Ahem.

Still, you figure he man (allegedly fictional by Forbes’ account) literally obliges Christian parents to splurge on their kids. Now that’s marketing power! That’s a million times better than any lucky leprechaun or goofy giraffes the ad execs can come up with! People actually buy PSP’s and tickle-me-Elmo’s based on the idea of this one man’s service.

I know somewhere, Sam Walton thanks you kind sir. And while your at it, he’s interested in a few of your labor tips. Are those elves on State healthcare?

The Best of 2005?

At the top of the Christmas list for Americans – that is, all of us who celebrate it (I’ll hit that later) – is obviously XBox 360.

Totally un-photoshopped proof of the X360 marvelGoing with my general theme of staying uninformed for my own protection, I’m purely speculating when I say that the new Xbox is able to travel through time! That’s right, Bill Gates has personally mastered Time Travel and priced it for you at $399 a pop. The new system will also be able to store up to 10 MP3′s, and function as a blood dialysis machine for lucky liver patient gamers everywhere!

Again, another reason why Microsoft is richer than… say,… me.

Aside from the crooked flag’s contribution to the 2K5 Xmastacular, I don’t know of anything else that’s really making little boys and girls pee their pants in anticipation. Tickle-me-Elmo’s and Cabbage Patch Dolls don’t seem to happen every season. There’s a few honorable mentions like the video iPod, an MP3 player that plays video. So, the next time you’re rear-ended by a distracted midtown driver, there will be one more possible factor in the accident. You or he could have been watching Turner and Hootch while listening to 4 Non Blondes.

Still, with lackluster performance from tech giants, the holiday spirit is still very alive this season. That’s right, Shopper Trampling `05 has been another successful season. Yes, Pat VanLester of Orange City, Florida (who’d have guessed Florida could make news?) was trampled reaching for a $29 DVD player. Her sister was quoted saying “All they cared about was a stupid DVD player.” Obviously, that’s not what waiting out in the cold for two hours on Black Friday morning is all about. For shame!

To me, people getting trampled on Black Friday to like people getting trampled during Spain’s running of the bulls. The only difference is bulls don’t have credit.

Getting serious for a second…

During this time of war, may we pray for peace and a forthcoming end to the War on Christmas, as well as the War on the War on Christmas. My Christian brethren, I stand by you in this fight of oppression. We may be small – only 75% of America – but if we press this issue now, we may one day have an openly Christian president. Maybe even 43 in a row, as Job Stewart once noted.

To my offended non-Christian brethren, you’re getting the day off of work anyway. So, Merry Christmas, and have a Happy not-yet-controversial-New Year!

Totally un-photoshopped proof of the X360 marvel

To those stuck in Secret Santas, or somehow know they’re receiving a present from someone and are tacitly obliged to return a similar cheap gift, may I suggest give cash instead of gift cards. Cash says, “skies the limit – that is, as long as the sky costs $10.” But a gift certificate says, “hey, I know nothing about your taste in restaurants or shopping, but this place was on my way home last weekend.”

If you’re stuck actually buying something, may I suggest a little book that suits all types of people. $11.99, Barnes & Noble, surefire hit. Hey, you’re welcome.