I used to struggle with testicular pustules. Yeah, they were a real downer.

But then I talked to my doctor about Avantril! She said I needed to bathe more frequently, and that she had seen the vague, artsy commercials for Avantril,… but could never figure out what the hell it was for.

So, I tried it, and now I’m back to all the things I enjoy – scuba diving, rock climbing, bungee jumping, bull running, methamphetamines, Russian roulette, day trading and more – without fear of outbreak.

Thanks Avantril!

Warning: May cause abdominal pains, dizziness, mild headaches, dry-mouth, poor spelling of the word “Aspirin”, shortness of breath, and testicular pustules. Avantril is not recommended if you are pregnant, drink alcohol infrequently, or have testicular pustules. Not a real product. See your doctor for a good laugh, or see our ad in Prevention magazine to get even more confused about what Avantril is.

Lately, there’s been a rash of stupid ad campaigns, and I mean incredibly stupid. Stupid enough to say that walking endlessly through a supermarket is a fun time for the family, or greasy meat pads on pressed bread inspire “love“.

Lovin’ what?! McDonalds has a new campaign where it’s new salad menu (and I use the term “salad” loosely) is a turn for the more health conscious crowd. To accompany the move, we’re seeing a barrage of commercials featuring an array of MTV video rejects walking through eclectic, diverse TV sets, talking about “lovin’ it”. In my short but substantial 25 years on this planet, I have never heard any one person connect the ideas “love” and “McDonalds” in any single thought. This idea “I’m lovin’ it” completely escapes me.

Like comedian Lewis Black describes, this is one of those things that I can’t stop thinking about; it’s so stupid it’ll give me an aneurysm before I figure it out. And, like political satirist Bill Maher says, “there’s still nothing healthy at McDonalds.”

Part of how incredibly stupid this ad campaign is centers on how friggin’ random and unrelated it is to burgers that completely loses its audience (much like the structure of that sentence). The scene opens, and you see two snowboarders taking the slopes. They descend down the mountain with professional skill, leaping and twisting and all that crap, and then the music cuts to “I’m lovin’ it”. ARRGH!! What the hell does snowboarding have to do with burgers? Hell, what does it have to do with their new salads even?!

I get the angle – connect McDonalds with enjoying life, and people will think the golden arches are associated with happiness. Unfortunately, people only connect a $5.00 meal that fills your arteries up more than your stomach within the golden arches. The irony is that their salads with the dressing they give you ends up being worse for you than any of their burgers. Yeah, I’m lovin’ it.

Another commercial that leaves my left eye twitching is Wal-Mart’s commercials of happy families talking about the “fun” they have going to Wal-Mart. This pairs with the incredible commercials of happy people who actually love working at Wal-Mart.

“I just love going’ to Wal-Mart. The kids and I have so much fun every time we shop there.” This may work on folks who’ve never been to Wal-Mart, but I can tell you right now, there is no fun at Wal-Mart. It’s the only store I know where you can actually wait 15 minutes at the checkout to buy Pringles at 3 in the morning. If you can think of a single time you’ve seen people joyfully prance to the checkout with a happy family chuckling about, let me know. All I ever see is a mother mercilessly beating her bratty kid while trying to buy $400 worth of groceries on an Access card.

As for working at Wal-Mart, that is not the cheer and morale I remember. On my first day at Wal-Mart (1-hour photo lab “technician”), I could swear the there was probably less gloom at Auschwitz than there was in their break room. People hung their heads like lab-test animals or beaten zoo creatures. The dead break room was like a haven for the 15 minutes employees had to get away from beeping registers and endless customers. Wal-Mart has since been brought up on class-action lawsuits charging them with policies that foster employee-abusive practices, like keeping “associates” locked inside the store to get the floor cleaned and cut on wage costs. Wal-Mart is far from a smiley yellow face. Think more Orwellian.

Anyhow, in spite of the widely adhered belief that the public is stupid, advertising campaigns insult us with blatantly annoying commercials and ads that fail to make sense for even the slowest of audiences. I think back to the old days when an ad stated the product’s name, demonstrated why it’s effective, and reminded us why with a jingle. Now, even a commercial taking place in sub-Saharan Africa can end up being a friggin’ Maalox commercial.

Ad wizards out there, just stick to the damn basics, would you? Please? We promise to buy your crap; just stop it with the happy people who climb the Rockies and eat McDonalds, and the Latino families talking about soccer and shopping at Wal-Mart. They don’t make any damn sense. You know it, we know it, and hopefully, so do your clients.

“Have an itchy rash?
Tired of tax increases?
Want to lose 50 lbs in 50 days?
Then visit GeorgeKovats.com.
And vote Libertarian.
And buy Pepto Bismol.”

Try: AdCritic.com