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Is it a Dude or a Lady?

2003.04.12

Among the more disturbing experiences a guy can have is eyeing someone who, for all intents and purposes, appears female… until that person is proven undeniably male. This is one life’s cruel, creepy jokes played on a guy’s sexuality. I don’t care how secure your are in your sexuailty, when you catch a look at a sleek, blond businesswoman who turns out to be a blond businessman with an earing, it’s a sure gag.

Unless you’re a homosexual male, in which case I’d be interested to know if it’s equally unnerving. I don’t see why it couldn’t be.

I don’t think the idea that a man could in fact be a lady is the creepy part of it. I think it’s when we look at them with a certain imagination, in a certain light, where we picture the rest of what we see as an attractive female… and it turns out to be some guy named Jeb, that’s the creepy part of it. It’s even more sudden when the guy has a moustache or a beard; it gives you even less excuse for the mistake.

So why the hell would a guy wear pink spandex pants while roller blading? Really, that’s my biggest question here. What goes through a guy’s mind as he’s getting dressed for a day in the park, and reaches for a pair of hot pink butt-huggers? Probably the same thing that goes through a guy’s mind with when he has long hair and uses salon-quality conditioner. If you’re a guy and have long hair, fine. The 60′s is still with some of us, and that’s cool. But at least have the decency to keep your hair in miserable, scraggly shape so the rest of use can discern between you and a tall brunnete at the supermarket. Please.

And what’s this crap with the earrings? Male earrings are about as confusing as female jock straps. The fact they exist is already testing some of us. If you are not deliberately trying to appear feminine, your earring(s) should be as simple and basic as possible. Something a pirate would wear, or maybe Willie Nelson. That’s about it. The George Michael diamond stud look is not in style, and it never was in the heterosexual community (again, I speak of only what I know).

Here are some signs you’re probably too pretty for being a guy:

  • Your girlfriend complains about how much time you spend “getting ready”.
  • Your shampoo costs more than $1.99. Men’s shampoo is generally the cheapest variety on sale that smells the least like fruit.
  • Your soap has a fragrance other than ‘Sport’, ‘Fresh’, or ‘Regular’.
  • You’re aware of your current body fat percentage for reasons other than your profession or doctor’s orders
  • You have more than 2 magazine subscriptions that aren’t sports or hobby related
  • You consider switching night clubs when the one your in has no mirror in the men’s room
  • You own a pair of hot pink, spandex shorts that you didn’t buy second hand.
  • You understand the idea of earth tones and color warmth, and employ such concepts in coordinating your outfit

Sure, this sounds rediciulous, and it’s meant to be. I’m just saying that there was a time when men had calloused hands, bourbon breath, and rough skin. Today men are pictured by modern fashion as skinny, smooth skinned, blue-eyed, fresh haired, … actually, they have all the characteristics we impose on women. Men have just as many magazines dedicated to maintaining their appearance as women do. There are entire isles at your local Whatever-Mart stocked with all sorts of male toiletries from “active-male skin creams” to “sporty manicure kits”. Things have really changed..

I’m beginning to sound like I’m on some sort of homophobe rant, so I’ll stop. It’s really just a knee-jerk reaction of accidentally eying some rollerblader’s ass who turned out to be a guy. It may be my testosterone talking, but really the gender lines are getting thinner, and these occasional double-takes may just be a result of these changes. It’s not a bad thing, I just wish guys would stop wearing hot pink spandex shorts. Again, please.

Snow… again, in Pittsburgh

2003.03.31

Today it snows in Pittsburgh. It snows as a last reminder of what a winter can do to one city.

To back up, this past winter in South-Western Pennsylvania, while not particularly long in contrast to other winters, was consistently snowy and miserable throughout its allotted three-month span. The season hit us hard, and wouldn’t let up for 90 days. It was a mockery almost; places like Alaska who nature intended to receive snow were finding unseasonably warm weather. They even had to re-route 100 miles of the annual Iditarod dog sled race because there wasn’t enough snow to give way for the travel. It was all tied up in North Eastern U.S.

Pittsburghers particularly had a miserable time with the weather. It was as if the winter was almost playing psychological warfare with us. For weekends, the snow would somewhat let up, just enough to look like a promising week ahead, and then BAM, Monday would be like a page out of a Nordic Biblical tale. Weather forecasters became the most hated profession, and rightfully so. They would always bounce in on the evening news as if they had something relevant to say, and pre-empt their forecasts with, “and we’ll see if there’s any chance of this snow letting up in the next week.” We knew there wasn’t, and we hated them for teasing us about it.

The weather came at a bad time for Pittsburghers, who were coping with the end of Steeler season and beginning to really feel the effects of a bad economy sink into the workforce. It seems one of the saving graces a city can have is it’s weather. If you have a wonderful arts scene, a lovely city layout, beautiful roads or an efficient mass transit, it all seems to mean jack when your citizens are staring at white stuff 90 days a year. Add to that the Pittsburgh driving dynamic that entirely collapses at the first sight of adverse weather, and you have an area that people have almost no reason to live in.

But the winter depression has lifted somewhat, and we’ve seen it go from winter to spring in 2 days flat. Pitt students went from parkas to thigh-highs over a single weekend, and the snow seemed to clear like, again, another Nordic Biblical passage.

I’m starting to wonder what a Nordic Biblical passage would be like. Hmm.

And then today, almost like Freddy Krueger getting his last cackle, his last laugh before returning in next year’s movie, the snow says goodbye today. In response, I know at least one city where 300,000 people are flipping the bird in farewell.

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